Get the Quote of the Day from Scrubs
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, he's always telling me, you know, "You've gotta stay positive!"
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible so I don't overstate it: Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet. And may, in fact, be Satan, himself
J.D.: Turk practically had $@$ in the on call room.
Dr. Cox: You realise I have no idea who Turk is, but good for him!
J.D.: Oh, Dr. Cox, I know I'm being annoying. But I-I'm really getting used to talking to patients. I mean, this is why I became a doctor; right? Right?
Dr. Cox: I heard "I know I'm being annoying," and then...white noise.
J.D.: Dr. Cox; I got, uh, Will's CT results back. No cancer! So, uh, what should I tell him?
Dr. Cox: I'd open with that.
J.D.'s narration: When you really lock in with a mentor, you start to understand the meaning behind their words.
Dr. Cox: You do whatever you want.
J.D.'s narration: Means: "Great idea!"
Dr. Cox: I'm, I'm just happy you haven't messed up yet today.
J.D.'s narration: Means: "You're really coming along as a doctor."
*J.D. tabs Dr. Cox on the shoulder*
Dr. Cox: Don't. Ever. Touch me.
J.D.'s narration: Means: "Don't ever touch him".
Elliot: At what point did I become a crazy person?
J.D.: Oh, come on. Yes, exposing yourself to a dead guy might have been a tad unorthodox; and yes, it might be a little hard to live down....
Elliot: I'm waiting for the "but."
J.D.: So is everyone else in the hospital!
Tell Todd he can kiss my big black ass.
Ok, gang, I'm Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine, so I just want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net. Because I promise you, we're all family here, now, then, go get 'em, doctors.
J.D.: Hey, I was, uh, I was paged.
Carla: Aww. First day, Bambi?
J.D.: Yeah.
Carla: Carla will take care of you.
Dr. Cox: Look, worst case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life... But that is the absolute worst case scenario. Come on, newbie, look: Just have the nurses do all the stuff you're still too chicken to do, which I assume covers just about everything, and if you have a really rough admission-
J.D.: Call you?
Dr. Cox: No! I was gonna say go hide in the closet again!
Dr. Cox: How much does this guy smoke?
J.D.: I dunno.
Dr. Cox: You realize, of course, it's your attention to detail that impresses me most. How many packs a day, genius?
Will: Half a pack.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry, I phrased the question wrong. How many packs a day... really.
Will: Eleven. Now you don't know where I'm coming from!
(Cox whistles threateningly)
Will: Two or three packs.
Dr. Cox: Well, let's hear it...
J.D.: Oh, I don't smoke, so...zero packs!
Carla: What tests have you ordered?
J.D.: Oh. I know, I was just totally kidding with you.
Will: He was...we're all in on it.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, uh, Dr. Reid. I just wanted to say you're out of my dog house. That was a great catch on that patient with meningoccocus.
Elliot: Well, that actually wasn't me, sir. Carla noticed the rash on his legs.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's fascinating. You could have fallen back into my good graces, and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse. How noble! I'll tell you what, I'll get the cafeteria staff to write "Was it worth it?" on a big cake for you!
Dr. Cox: Would you stay? And watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza?
J.D.: Of course I will.
Dr. Cox: I can braid your hair. I know the couch isn't very deep, but we could move the back cushion and spoon. (Addressing his friends who have just walked in the door) Hey you guys, what do you say? Beer and chips in the back. (Turning back to J.D.) Just ignore them, and would you tell me the answer to this question: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
J.D.: Hi, how are ya? I have a quick legal question. What if, hypothetically-
Ted: Oh, God, you killed somebody!
J.D.: Noooo!
Ted: Someone else did!
J.D.: No, no; no one killed anyone.
Ted: Maimed, mutilated, disfigured...let's not split hairs
You seem unhappy. I like that.
[Thinking about telling Turk how he misses hanging out with him]
J.D.'s narration: Just tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl!
J.D.: I miss you so much it hurts sometimes!
J.D.: I can't believe you lost our bottle opener!
Turk: I know. I miss it so much it hurts sometimes!
J.D.: You're a bad person.
Turk: Don't judge me.
[Miss Tanner is dying and her family just left the room]
J.D.: You didn't tell them, did you.
Mrs. Tanner: It didn't come up. Look, they don't need that burden; besides, they'd just give me a bunch of reasons to change my mind.
J.D.: Speaking of which, I took the liberty of jotting down a few things I think everybody should do at least once in their life.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, no.
J.D.: Okay. "Number One: Eat a sausage-and-pepper hoagie from Enrico's".
Mrs. Tanner: Well, of course I've done that.
J.D.: "Number Two: Go to Asia".
Mrs. Tanner: (Something in Japanese)
J.D.: I'm gonna take that as a yes, and I'll also check off "Learn a foreign language".
[Mrs. Tanner left the hospital for her granddaughters birthday party and J.D. comes to tell her to go back to the hospital]
Mrs. Tanner: Just until Samantha blows out her candles. What are you gonna wish for, honey? Uhhhhm....a bike?
Samantha: Nope.
Mrs. Tanner: A doll house?
Samantha: Nope.
J.D.: How about the ability to make quick decisions?
Samantha: Umm...nope.
[J.D. walks into a patients room and tries to get the family's attention]
J.D.: I'm...I'm...I'm the doctor.
Guy: What are you, sixteen?
Woman: Oh, this is unacceptable.
Guy: What'd you have, like, coupons to this hospital, ma?
Woman: I should-we should have gone to my doctor.
Mrs. Tanner: Now that's enough! Now, sure, he's young, but he's probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?
J.D.: It's kinda too soon to tell.
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